Dear Puffy, Fuck You #4

For Even Making Braveheart Seem Fruity In Retrospect

Dear Sean,

I don’t care if you were performing in Scotland and you thought that paying homage to the national dress would impress the locals - the fact remains Diddy that you look like a dirty pervert who has a fetish for dressing up like a Japanese high school girl and being spanked on the bot-bot by his Daddy with oversized blow-up Hello Kitty dolls.

On behalf of Scots everywhere, fuck you for emasculating the honourable kilt!

8 October 3 Permalink

Dear Puffy, Fuck You #3

FOR RUINING EVERY EPISODE OF ENTOURAGE

I look forward to catchin up with my four boys from New York, flossin over in The City of Angels, each and every week when HBO’s uncut dope ‘Entourage’ is blessing our screens. Those lovable fuckers are like family after 8 seasons and, like Big Pun and quadruple bacon and donut sandwiches, I’m always coming back for more. And becase they are family I care about them and every episode I wonder;

Will Turtle ever realise he is basically the Lil Cease to Vinny Chase’s Biggie? Nothing more than a glorified untalented weed carrier?

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28 September 7 Permalink

Dear Puffy, Fuck You # 2

FOR SMELLING FUNNY AND BEING CARELESS WHEN HITTING THE LAKE

Dear Puffy,

A couple of years back Puffy your clothing/fragrance empire of Sean John released a new cologne for men - I Am King.

Now don’t get me wrong Puff, I aint mad at you for flexing your financial muscle and continuing to branch outside of the music business (in fact I thoroughly endorse it if it keeps you away from the mic). I also don’t wish to condemn it’s ridiculously arrogant title or even the perfume itself and it’s rich blend of tangerine top notes, French berry bass notes and traces of cooling Meditertanean water (sort of like the aromatic equivalent of being slapped in the face with dirty money, dirty money). I won’t even yell at you for it’s dizzyingly confusing tagline of “The Scented Salamander” either. Damn Puff, I don’t care that you spent more money on the I Am King advertisment than Kool G Rap will ever see in his lifetime!

What I am upset at Puff is that you were riding a fucking jet-ski in before mentioned I Am King advertisement WEARING A FUCKING TUXEDO!

A tuxedo Puff? How fucking impractical is that? I mean when you arrive at your engagement at the Monaco Royal Palace after blasting across Port Hercule at 100 kilomteres an hour (after the post Grand-Prix party) on your bitchinass jet-ski, it’s not like that tux is going to be crispy clean is it now? Way to give the kids an unrealistic impression of what the true jet-ski experience is like. And you are not even wearing an approved flotation device either! What message is that sending to the youth about aquatic safety? Sheesh!

So fuck you Puffy. Have some motherfucking sense about you and put a goddam wetsuit  and lifejacket on next time. You hear me?

4 September 9 Permalink

Dear Puffy, Fuck You # 1

 FOR SUBJECTING US TO CRAIG MACK’S PERMANENT GASFACE

Dear Puffy,

Remember back in the early 1990’s Puff? Just after Andre Harell had given you the ass from Uptown records and you were a young, hungry upstart looking at shaking up the record industry by starting your own shit? No, you hadn’t lucked out by stumbling across The Source’s Mister Cee who was running around New York co-signing how dope an unknown Biggie Smalls was just yet… You had however discovered and signed an MC so fucking ugly that whenever he looked in the mirror his own reflection ducked - Craig Mack.

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25 August 5 Permalink