Stupidest Names in Hip Hop #8 - 69 Boyz

Now we’re open minded folks here at Peak Street and welcome hip hop fans of every colour, gender and sexual persuasion with open arms. Well apart from Black Eyed Peas fans, they can all go fly a fucking plane packed with nuclear warheads into an AIDS mountain and die a slow horrific death in the snow. But we love and accept the gays, so please don’t take this as a homophobic and hateful Grade 7 poo-jabber joke.

But for this Maimi bass group, whose one and only subject matter was that of hittin skins with the ladies, it does seem a little ironic that their name makes them sound like poo-jabbers right? Right?

I mean, if they really loved seeing the girls ‘Tootsie Roll’ so much, wouldn’t they be 69 Girlz? Cause if you 69 Boyz, well…… ummmmmmm…… well you’ve got a dick in your mouth haven’t you? And if thats your thing guys, by all means enjoy those nuts on your chin but don’t confuse the women by singing about her ‘Kitty Kitty’ and asking her to ‘Cmon Ride the Train’.

When you realise that two of the rappers in the group were called Quick Skeet and Busta Nut it starts becoming apparent that the 69 Boyz were jism obsessed lads who just weren’t allowed to properly explore their manlove in the ultra-conservative R&B /rap scene of the mid-90’s and were forced to conform to the social norm of rapping about being up to your neck in hoe poon-tang.

Therefore we commend them for sticking to their fucken stupid name and not bending over for the music industry. Unless they were bending over as a consensual adult.

#Pause

22 March 2 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop #7 - Elf Tranzporter

Elf Tranzporter found himself in Australia after leaving his native LA for an epic backpacking adventure of Jack Kerouac proportions. But after seasonal fruit picking work dried up and he broke his only pair of dodgy sandals he needed to earn some dough. So, after drinking a bottle of Stones one night he decided to make some cash by forming a rap group with a bunch of other guys he met at the Jolly Swagman Backpackers Hostel in Kings Cross, who had all heard that one Sugarhill Gang song too. Lo and behold, Meta Bass N Breath was born!

Ever wondered what would have happened if hip hop wasn’t born on the corner of Sedgwick & Cedar in the Bronx and instead rose from the mud, flower power and shirtless hippy freak outs of Woodstock? Elf Tranzporter is what would have happened…

Okay we get it - you’re a free spirit who believes orcas should have the right to an abortion, clean renewable energy and organic free-trade southern fur seals harvested by oppressed Southern American farmers. But calling yourself Elf Tranzporter? Fuck! Are you shitting me?!?! What the fuck kind of LSD were you trippin on? 

His name always begs the question - How exactly is he transporting these elves? Does he give them a piggyback rides? Does he smuggle them across intergalactic, mythical borders in his pants? Perhaps he transforms into a solar powered mothership which then travels across the time-space continuum? It’s a mystery my simple mind cannot fathom.

Mr Elf Tranzporter (in Middle Earth they would have just called him ‘bus’), your name sucks tofu dick.

29 December 1 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop # 6 - Muphin

Now we aint hating on Melbournian mainstay Muphin as an artist. When he first started hitting stereo’s in the late 90’s with Puah Hedz he was kicking some pretty respectable flows. Then when Puah Hedz disbanded (and we lost his brother Draino to the depths of the RapCella forever - RIP) he started dropping some dope solos on Obese and then suddenly hit national prominence when he teamed up with some Plutonic Lab dude for 3 huge LP’s.

However what the fuck is up with the name? Muphin? Really? You’re gonna name yourself after a variety of delicious baked goods? This is only really excusable if there is a story behind it concerning how he smoked a bowl and then with a severe case of munchies, ate an entire 6-pack of cheap Coles muffins and then nearly choked in the process while whiling out to Heltah Skeltah.

Even when he teamed up with Pluto and shortened his moniker, things only went from bad to worse. I mean the name referencing the cupcakes poor cousin was soft already, but then he changes it to slang for female genitalia? It could only have been worse if he went with Mrs Muffilina.

MC’s should live my one rule when deciding upon an alias - With this name, would I be comfortable introducing myself to Freddie Foxxx? If the answer is no, cause he would slap 14 flavours of ouch from your mouth then it’s time to go back to the drawing board.

Muph - your name is not heaps good.

30 November 3 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop # 5 - GZA

Okay, okay, okay. I’m sure this one is going to be contentious. I mean it’s the Clan?! One of the unwritten rules of hip hip is that you never fuck with the Wu (just ask 50. Budden or Mase). But some things need to be said. And one of those things is that the GZA’s name is as bad as having your nuts nailed to a ceiling fan and spun at high speed.

Why? Do we have to literally spell it out phonetically for you mumblefucks? Ok, fine, we will;

Jizz-er

Yep, that’s right. The undisputed lyrical swordsman and Voltron head of the Wu-Tang named himself after an ejaculating cock. He can disguise all he wants, by saying it is short for Genius or spelling it with a Z in the middle. But the fact remains that his name makes me consider focussing less on protecting my neck and more on shielding my eyes from stray sperm.

“My clan is thick like plaster”

Yuuuurgh….. 

14 November 3 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop Episode # 4 - Shorty Shitstain

Do we really need to type anything here to prove to you just how epicly awful this MC name is? Seriously?

We get it okay… You’re Dirty’s cousin, rolling with the Brooklyn Zu and you’re a crazy outlandish buckwild motherfucker. Still, that is no excuse to roll with a name that brings to mind a torturous morning purging ones entire bowels on the toilet after eating some greasy, chilli packed kick-in-the-stomach Mexican food the night before.

How about MC Toilet Duck instead?

11 October 5 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop Episode #3 - Sauce Money

I am sure back in the day this young spitter was sitting there in Marcy Projects thinking of an amazing MC moniker that would fit his particualr characteristics, something that would embody every facet of his spiritual beliefs and philsophical outlook upon life, a name that would capture the imagaination of the people and uplift them from the everyday struggles and hardships of life within inner city communities - but then he thought ‘fuck it’ and just combined the names of his two favourite things and Sauce Money was born.

This former Jay-Z cohort and now supreme donut eater was no slouch on the mic (remember his guest spot on BDK’s “Show N Prove” with Shyeim, Hova, ODB and that fuckin smurf-soundin Scoob?) and even scored a Grammy on the shelf thanks to ghostwriting Puffy’s tribute to Biggie “Ill Be Missing You”. So why didn’t he go onto bigger things like his childhood buddy Mr Carter and his most notable shit since has been ghostwriting for Shaq-Fu?

Well some might point to the fact that him and Dame Dash didn’t like each other. Others reckon that Jay didn’t want to share the limelight at Roc-A-Fella. Me? I reckon by rolling with a retarded name like Sauce Money his career never had a chance in the first place

Oh well, it could have been worse… at one point he was calling himself Salsa Dinero! 

3 September Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop Episode # 2 - Waka Flocka Flame

In an effort to remain educational and teach the kids, I recently made this submission for the next edition of The Websters Dictionary;

Waka Flocka Flame (wỏk-a- flỏk-a-flặm) idiot;

The name of a frat-house populated by homosexual muppet sheep.

What a grizzly, toothless, foul-mouthed, old Italian bastard with a speech impediment would yell at you if you were failing to extinguish a stovetop fire with a blanket.

The names of the Three Stooges in an utterly retarded, 100% spastic parallel universe

The language Weezy speaks after smoking blunts and drinking sizzurp non-stop for 72 hours straight and starts hallucinating he is ET.

A dumbass rapper from the Dirty South.

Don’t come up with MC names drunk children, you hear me.

25 August 3 Permalink

Stupidest Names in Hip Hop Episode # 1 - Yak Ballz

Former Bobbito Garcia store lackey, OG Weathermen, Def Jux familia and Cage’s right hand man has some skills on the mic. But why the fuck did he decide to go with a name that sounds like gargling testicles?

It seems it came about due to some running jokes when he was working at Mr Cucumber Slices store Footwork and by the time he was about to drop his EP on the mans Fondle ‘Em records, the moniker had stuck.

Dope MC. Stupid fucking name.

18 August Permalink