36 Reasons to Love Wu-Tang: #4 Meth Can Act

Let’s be real for a minute. The vast majority of rappers can’t act. That is a fact. No seriously. The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences conducted a study into performances by rappers in movies from 1988 -2010 and concluded that 97.4% of MC’s who try their hand at being a thespian ‘contribute as much to the art of acting as that masked dude from the St Lunatics contributed to Nelly’s musical output. Which is to say - jackshit’. 

You know it’s true. Ice Cube relies completely on that one dumbass scowl expression in every film (regardless of it being a fucked up tale from the hood or a fucked up Disney kids film) for expressing every single emotion. Snoop Dogg thinks people are making documentaries every time they yell action. 50 Cent’s performances are worth exactly that. LL Cool J’s acting career peaked when he was fucking up mutant sharks for biting off Samuel L Jackson’s arm. Andre 3000 suprisingly drops his charisma off with his wacky wardrobe. Ice-T constantly looks like he has bowel problems on Law & Order. Eminem even made fucking Brittany Murphy look terrible.

Basically for every solid Will Smith or Mos Def role you get a thousand fucking Master P performances.

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8 July 9 Permalink

The Wire Produces Terrible Music #4 - Felicia ‘Snoop’ Pearson

Felicia Pearson aka Snoop

Stephen King, the king of horror, once described the character of Snoop as ”perhaps the most terrifying female villain to ever appear in a television series.”

Peak Street Magazine, the master of critical beatdowns, once descibed the actor Felica Pearson’s rapping as “perhaps the worse thing since sticking your balls in V8 powered blender filled with bleach”.

There is no question Felicia Person’s portrayal as the cold, calculated and brutal enforcer in Marlo Stanfield’s crew was amazing. Her personal history of drug dealing and jail time for second degree murder in real life no doubt gave the character authenticity that acting classes just can’t teach. But no matter how much street cred you’ve got, flow can’t be taught and hence her rappity rapping sounds like a deaf retard garbling with a mouth full of marbles.

Tony Yayo pulled in Snoop for some extra gangsta points on this mixtape drop with a couple of bars. It didn’t work. She has solo joints out there that are so bad I’m not going to subject you to them.

Snoop was recently arrested in real life again for her alleged involvement in a gang distributing heroin. I think the authorities just heard this shit.

Relevant character quote;

Ain’t no good thing about surprises in this line of work.

BONUS LIVE FOOTAGE!

23 March 6 Permalink

The Wire Produces Terrible Music #3 - Stringer Bell

Idris Elba aka Stringer Bell aka DJ Driis aka King Driis

Stringer Bell was one of the most complex and intriguing characters that has ever graced our television screes. Idris Elba played the Barksdale Crew’s ruthless strategist and second in command with such pathos and subtlety that he developed a grandiose Shakespearean aura around the character, all the more impressive given ol mates limey roots (cause at no point was there any reference to cricket or the Queen).

However when it comes to music he sucks balls. King Kong donkey sized ones that would choke Godzilla. No matter how many assists he gets from 9th Wonder (who must have been smoking some of Stringer Bell’s product to agree to these collaborations) his music is nothing but a skidmark in the undies of hip hop. And after seeing him run Baltimore with an iron fist and an American accent, hearing him say ‘blud’ and be all cockney is kinda like finding out Santa is nothing but your Dad having a few beers, pissing in the sink, wrapping one of your old toys in newspaper and throwing it on your bed at midnight.

Son I am disappoint.

19 March 1 Permalink

The Wire Produces Terrible Music #2 - Omar Little

Michael K Williams aka Omar Little

Now don’t get us wrong, we love Omar (no homo) and think he is one of the most fucking awesome characters that has ever been created in the history of characters being created. He is right up there with God and Rambo.

Actor Michael K Williams absolutely stole every scene he was in with his amazing portrayal of the cool as ice, philosophic, robber of drug dealers whilst also leaving an entire generation of small-minded males raised on homophobic hip hop conflicted as to whether they were allowed to like a character who was a stick-up man in every sense of the word. He should have earnt a medal for that shit.

What we cannot endorse however is Michael K Williams turn at rapping.

Not only does his unfunky flow sound like Ja Rule after huffing glue, but he actually raps from the perspective of Omar!! Yeah thats right motherfucker, he takes one of your favourite characters of all-time and destroys his mystique and aura in only a few heartless verses by spiting bars from his perspective. This bullshit adds as much to the hip hop cannon as Jim Jones 0.5 second cameo added to The Wire in Episode 8, Season 5. The below is a preview for his debut LP, which mercifully has never seen the light of day. Let’s hope Omar stays dead.

Relevant Omar quote from The Wire:

“The cheese stands alone”

10 March 6 Permalink

The Wire Produces Terrible Music #1 - Poot

Tray Chaney aka Mike ’Poot’ Carr

Poot was a soldier in the Barksdale crew and one of the few characters that survived through all 5 seasons of the show despite being shot at a hundred times and generally being as dumb as gravel.

The man who played him is Tray Chaney who is to blame for the hip pop travesty below. Now if Tray is banking on music as a career then life is going to imitate art and this man is going to end up working in some ghetto Footlocker. Or perhaps have people shooting at him in order to stop their eardrums being raped. This track is some straight bubblegum Drake-esque wannabe business, complete with a $5 film-clip and some crooning human cheeseburger who has only grown a beard so that you can distinguish where his epic neck ends and his head begins. The central theme is about how difficult life is for young Tray as so many girls want to jump on his pony. Don’t worry my dude, I’m sure the queue the woman are forming is as short as your music career will be. And by that I mean there is no queue.

For the love of Zeus do not buy his mixtape if you value money and your ears, or even just one of those things.

Relevant Poot quote from The Wire:

“Do the chair know we gon look like some punkass bitches out there?”

10 March 7 Permalink